Calamity Physics

I'd missed all the excitement when I was gone, but it was good to see Kaho so happy. As we undressed for bed, she kept smiling and humming to herself. I knew she'd missed Akizuki, and even though she said they still had a lot of things they needed to talk about, their friendship had lasted a long time, and it could be almost like it was again.

Not completely, of course. They'd probably never be as close as they used to be, for reasons that were my fault as well as theirs. But sometimes you were just grateful to have someone in your life at all, and have the chance to put right what you'd destroyed.

Not all of us got that chance.

As an aside, an almost throw-away piece of information, she'd told me that Yukito wasn't living with Akizuki anymore. I tried to express only mild curiosity at that, and failed, and asked if she knew whether he ever got his stuff. She said she didn't know, but she could ask, if I wanted her to.

No. I could just call the storage company and find out if the locker's contents had been claimed, if I really needed to know.

Which I didn't. It was his life, and he was better off without me. Every time I'd tried to talk to him, I'd only upset him. I had to stay out. That's what he wanted. He'd made that perfectly clear, and I'd respect that.

If, however, there ever did come a time when I'd need to know where he was, I could probably ask Sakura. She had to know where he was. Or, if all other options were exhausted, I could ask Akizuki.

Yeah. I wouldn't ask Akizuki for a glass of water if I were on fire.

"And she told me about this fantastic new dance club she and her boyfriend discovered," Kaho was saying, her voice muffled as she pulled on her warm flannel nightgown. "She and I used to go to this place in Soho, and it was always so much fun. We should go dancing sometime."

"I don't dance."

"You should. You'd be good at it." She shimmied a little against me, which, even with the flannel, was... yeah. "After all, dancing is basically sex with your clothes on."

"You just said you went dancing with Akizuki."

"Uh huh."

"So... what does that mean?"

"Clearly, it means I have latent lesbian tendencies," she joked. "Why, does that turn you on?"

Kind of. "No."

"Too bad." She was laughing at me. She didn't even bother to hide it. "While we're on the subject, did you delete that picture I sent you?"

"No," I said again as she picked up my phone from the nightstand. I watched as she punched some of the buttons. "Hey, don't. I'm keeping it in case I ever need a pick-me-up."

"If you're good, I'll give you a peek at the real thing." Looking at the screen, she blushed--actually blushed--and shook her head. "I can't believe I did that. Bye-bye." There was a chirpy sound to signal the deletion. "I'm sorry, but I can't have you accidentally sending that to someone. Can you imagine it going to my father?"

I could see her point, I guess.

"Who's this?"

"What?"

"This girl."

There shouldn't be any pictures except of Kaho and Mayu, so I had no idea what she was talking about. I walked over to examine the screen for myself. "The hell?"

It was Yoshimura.

"She's cute."

"And dumb as a box of hair," I answered.

"Oh, is this the chocolate cake girl?" Funny how she got it immediately. I must rant about her more than I realized.

"Yeah."

"You're taking pictures of her because...?"

"I'm not." I hadn't noticed it before, which meant it was new. I had to backtrack in my mind. "Akino."

"Hmm?"

"We were up late last night, a bunch of us, drinking and playing poker, and Akino's phone died, so he borrowed mine. He forgot to give it back to me until we were on the train this afternoon." It clicked. "He must have taken this. He's got a thing for her."

"I can see why. She's very pretty."

I took the phone and scrolled through the message log. "Forgot to send it to himself, though. Idiot." Another chirpy sound as that picture joined the other in permanent oblivion.

"Sounds like they're made for each other."

I shrugged. I didn't really care, and I certainly wasn't going to talk about them as we got into bed. "You promised me a peek."

She deliberately crossed her arms over her flannel armor. "Only if you're good, I said."

Challenge extended.

"Oh, I am."

Challenge accepted.

"Yes, well. I'll be the judge of that."

Fine, I could handle being away from home for one night. I wasn't an infant. And I knew this was part of my job. I pouted, I whined, I looked for a way out, but I knew I had to go. I signed up for all this, maybe not knowing exactly how it was going to be, but none of it should have surprised me.

Except for how damn boring it was.

There was going to be dinner later, then the requisite team-building exercises (I could hardly contain my excitement), but first we had to sit through this presentation. Blah blah, commitment to the future, blah blah, environmental awareness, blah blah, global community. Meaningless buzzwords that executives salivated over.

Next to me, Akino was yawning and flipping through a car magazine. On the other side, some woman whose name I couldn't remember was playing Tetris on her phone. I didn't know how we'd gotten these seats in the back, other than sheer luck of the draw, but I was glad we had. Everyone in the rows in front of us was paying rapt attention, or at least pretending to for the sake of appearances, but here in the back, no one cared.

I took inspiration from what's-her-name and pulled out my own phone. Kaho was probably busy with something, but I wanted to make a connection anyway.

I pulled up the messaging function and typed away:

Hey. This presentation will not end, and I'm bored as hell. Hope you're having more fun than I am. How's Mayu? Kiss her for me. xo

Yeah, it was a little high schoolish, but I couldn't care. Maybe I'd find a game or something, too. I checked out some of the options, a bunch of pointless finger-twitch ADD-type stuff, and considered downloading Robo Blasto.

Then the New Message signal appeared.

Hey, yourself. Mayu's napping. I'm sitting here in this big bed all by myself. What are you wearing?

I really hadn't expected her to answer.

Um, what? Just what you saw me in earlier. Blue button-down, blue-and-gray striped tie, gray pants. I left the jacket in the room I'm sharing with Akino.

Random info. I was just free-typing.

Someone coughed, and I looked up sharply, wondering if my distraction had been noticed. No one was looking at me, so I was probably in the clear.

New Message.

Very sexy. You look so good in blue. I'm wearing that pink satin negligee. You know the one. It just skims the tops of my thighs. You like it, don't you?

She was not. And she wouldn't be in bed at this hour. Not by herself. Why would she be wearing that?

Yeah, I like it. It's pretty.

Wow, such poetry. No wonder she fell for me.

New Message.

It's soft, too, isn't it, beneath your big strong hands. Can you feel it? It's so thin. Can you feel the heat of my skin through the satin? I'm so hot.

Oh, so that's where she was going with this.

Kaho, I'm sitting here in a crowded room during a business presentation. Talk about something else.

Robo Blasto was the better option. Well, no, it wasn't, but given the circumstances....

New Message.

They can watch. I don't mind. I just need you to kiss me. Will you kiss me, Touya?

Okay, if I indulged her for a second, she'd tire of the joke and move on to actual conversation.

Yes.

Then I imagined actually kissing her, though. Now I was the one who coughed. Akino shushed me, like I was going to give away his magazine reading to the teacher or something and he'd have to clap erasers after class. Give me a break.

New Message.

Mmm, that's nice. Kiss me again, lower this time. Right above the satin. Push the strap down. Lower. Let me feel your mouth against the curve of my breast. And I'm going to unbutton your shirt and run my hands all over your chest. You have such a beautiful body.

Seriously, she needed to stop.

So do you.

My replies were the short, perfunctory type, but I couldn't get into this. Not here.

New Message.

I'm slowly unzipping your trousers so I can slip my hand inside. Ooh, is that for me? Let me give it a little tug, just a quick squeeze... Mmm, so big, so hard. I want to put my lips right there.

Oh God.

Okay, it was funny. You got me. Happy?

New message.

What do you want to do to me? I'm all yours. I'm taking off my negligee now...pulling it over my head... realizing I forgot to put on knickers. The air feels so good against my hot skin. I'm stretching on the bed, my legs are rubbing together restlessly, and I'm waiting for you.

The worst possible thing to do would be to picture her, naked and ready and writhing, but that's what I did.

"Psst, Akino. Can I have your water?"

He shrugged at me without looking up from his magazine, so I took the half-empty bottle and downed the rest in one long gulp.

Kaho, stop now. Please.

I could just stop reading them. When the screen lit up, all I had to do was ignore it. I had some level of self-control, right?

New message.

You want to touch me, don't you? I want you to touch me. Touch me with those beautiful hands, those long fingers.

Fine. If that was what she wanted, then I'd give it to her. No more fooling around. I typed as fast as I could, filthier than I thought I was capable of. Telling her I was doing dirty things with my tongue and my fingers, that I was licking, sucking, tasting, that I was stroking her like I was trying to start a fire.

By the time I hit send, I was practically snorting like a bull.

Take that.

Her next message was a picture of her hand between her legs.

"You okay, Kinomoto?" Akino whispered from somewhere far away. I could barely hear him over the pounding of blood in my ears. "You look completely done in."

"Where's the men's room?"

"Down the hall on the right. Geez, are you getting sick? Because we're sharing a room and--Hey!"

I took my presentation program with me, holding it at crotch-level to hide my enormous hard-on, and dashing as inconspicuously as possible to the lavatory.

I managed to lock myself in a stall and unzip before I could come in my pants like an overexcited teenager.

When I finished and my head was somewhat clear, I muttered "Kaho" into the phone. Voice-recognition dialed the number while my other hand was recuperating.

Her phone rang twice before she answered with breathless laughter. "Was it good for you, too?"

I closed my eyes. "Don't ever do that again."

Dear Whatever Higher Power is listening at the moment:

Remember that flu Kaho had a while back? The one that kept her in bed for three days?

Can I have one of those?

This weekend would be great. Please. Anything to keep me from going on this stupid company retreat.

It doesn't have to be the flu. Appendicitis would work. Or a broken leg. I had a broken leg once. It wasn't so bad, really. I could to that again. Maybe I could trip on the stairs on my way down Friday morning.... Could you put something there? A marble, a beer bottle left by some previously unknown drunkard neighbor?

Or my doctor could write me a note. Or Kaho could. "Dear Takai-san. Please excuse Touya from any and all company social obligations, as being cooped up for a weekend with people he already must interact with for several hours every day causes him undue stress and misery."

Research doesn't have to go. I would kill, maim, destroy for a position in Research. My name is on the applicant list. Make someone quit. If I can't have the flu, appendicitis, or a broken leg, please make a entry-level position in Research open up.

I'm just wasting my degree in Analysis, anyway. If someone like Yoshimura can do this job (though I've yet to see conclusive proof of this), then I need something better.

"Did you like the cake?"

Like a jack-in-the-box. That stupid girl was always popping up out of nowhere.

"Yeah, thanks. My..." Don't say wife. "...Kaho said it was good, too." Kaho actually tried it first. She'd had a chocolate craving, and it was all we had in the house. I didn't mean to use her as my poison-tester; it just worked out that way. When she lived, I tried it, too. It wasn't bad, and I probably shouldn't have expected it to be, but Yoshimura seemed the type to leave out something important, like sugar, or to confuse a teaspoon with a tablespoon. Or who wouldn't know that a cup was an actual unit of measurement, and not just filling up whatever drinking glass you had at hand.

"Kaho?" Yoshimura squinted in confusion, like it hurt to think. I wouldn't have been at all surprised. "Oh, that old lady in the picture?"

Old lady? "She's not old." She's older. There's a difference.

"Who is she? Izui-san said you're not married."

Hey, thanks, man. "Not yet."

"So she's your fiancée?"

What had I done to deserve this? "Can you leave me alone? I'm busy."

"Oh, sure. I'm sorry." She giggled, because that was all she did, no matter what. "A bunch of us are going for drinks tonight if you want to come."

I shook my head and focused on my computer screen, thinking if I pulled up my spreadsheet, she'd realize that, yes, some of us actually do work around here.

"Maybe next time, then, okay?"

"No."

"There's this really great place on the corner, and we always have so much fun. This one time, Akino-san was..."

I was clicking my mouse aggressively, wondering if anyone would notice if I strangled her with the cord. Probably. The sudden silence would give it away.

So then the question became... would anyone care?

Happy birthday, dad.

I survived Friday's work party, and Saturday's family party was like a reward for that. Both had the same elements, so it was the difference in company that made one a chore and the other fun. I still refused to sing, and besides, how could I have followed Kaho's tribute to Abba? "I've seen Mamma Mia three times," she reminded me when I complimented her, um, enthusiastic choreography.

Sunday night completely blew both parties away.

Then it was Monday morning.

I sat at the breakfast table playing with my new phone while Kaho fed Mayu. "Your coffee's getting cold," she said.

"Huh." Still pushing buttons with one hand, I picked up the mug and took a swig. "Blech. Cold."

"Funny, I think I heard that somewhere." I glanced up to see her giving me one of those amused smiles. "What are you looking at?"

"This." I turned the phone around and flashed the screen at her. It was a picture of her I'd taken the night before, when her skin was still flushed from sex.

She pretended to look embarrassed, then giggled. "You cut my head off."

I shrugged. "Who needs to see your head?"

"Pervert."

I pushed some keys and showed the screen again. "Fine. This one has your head, so it can be the wallpaper."

"That's better." Then she insisted a picture of Mayu might be more appropriate. Yeah. I was only kidding, anyway. Kind of.

It was when I brought up the calendar function that it finally hit me. This was the first Christmas in years that I didn't receive a new dayplanner. And not only that....

"Something wrong, love?"

"It's the twenty-fifth."

"Yes, it is."

I pushed my chair back. "I'm going for a walk."

Her eyes were confused, and she opened her mouth to say something, then changed her mind. Looking down at Mayu instead of at me, she nodded.

I pulled on my new jacket, the one dad gave me, draped Kaho's red scarf around my neck, even though it wasn't supposed to be all that cold, and left without another word.

It wasn't like I had any place in particular I wanted to go. I needed time out, to think, maybe brood if the mood struck. I should've talked to her about it, I know, but sometimes, you just have to keep things to yourself. That she didn't stop me and make me talk to her meant she understood that.

Most of the trees were bare along the old bike path, weak rays of sunlight giving up somewhere between the branches and the ground. I stopped by the house, next to the hedge, looking across the big yard, and realized....

I hope he's happy.

That's all I can wish for him. I can't change what I did, and if I could go back, maybe I'd handle things differently, more honestly with less cowardice and insensitivity and all around fuckwittedness, but the end result would still be the same. I'd still have to leave. Even if it hadn't been Kaho, I couldn't have stayed anymore. She was just the catalyst that finally kicked my ass in gear.

So there's this, and I don't know what he's doing or who he's doing it with, but I hope he has someone. I want him to have someone who'll be what I couldn't, and who he can open up to and share all the parts of himself that he couldn't share with me.

Someone Yue actually likes. Well, at least tolerates.

It's been over a year, and maybe this is how it's going to be from now on. Maybe we'll never be friends again. Maybe I'll never even hear from him again.

I don't know that I want to be friends.

It's just.... it's better this way.

On some level, I still care. Of course I do. Otherwise I wouldn't wonder if he's happy, if he's found someone else, if he's spending his birthday with friends and a big party like he should.

Kaho says that's all anyone wants--for the people they care about to be happy.

I wrapped the end of her red scarf around my hand. It was my own Zuzu's petals, the tie to the life I led, the life chosen for me for a reason, the life I want. Should things have been different? In the end, probably not. Things would have been worse. However we got here, whatever pain we went through, this is better than the alternative, the stifling, the suffocating, the slowly dying in silence and disappointment.

I don't regret it. Not the time we had together. When times were good, they were really good. And if having those times means I also have to take the bad times, then I'd choose that without hesitation. There can't be happiness without sorrow, pleasure without pain, hope without despair. Every extreme, every opposite, you have to take them both, or they're not worth anything.

Maybe he regrets it, wasting all that time on me. I hope he doesn't. I hope, someday, he can remember that I did love him.

The office party. An oxymoron.

I went. I could have gone home, and probably should have. I wished I did. Let's see, on one hand there's being with Kaho and Mayu, and on the other hand, there's Yoshimura.

Easy choice. Easy. Not if my life was on the line would I choose her over my family.

I had no idea what gift Kaho had bought for her. I didn't care. Kaho told me, and I probably listened at the time, because she didn't give me that patented teacher Frown of Disapproval. They know when you're not listening. It's part of the teacher training.

She bought it, told me what it was, wrapped it, and forced it into my hands as I left this morning. She smiled and said, "I hope she likes it!" Because that's how Kaho was. She wanted people to be happy and enjoy a gift specially chosen for them. For her, the joy was in the giving. I agreed with that. I did.

Except in this case.

Yoshimura tore off the paper like it was standing between her and much needed sustenance after seven days at sea. Oh, right. A stationery set, pale pink with little bunches of flowers in the corners. It did kind of look like something a sixth grader would have, and Yoshimura didn't disappoint with her immature squeal of delight. "Cuuuuuute!"

I winced.

It's like dealing with Akizuki again, except Akizuki had a point. Yeah, it was infinitesimal and off on some other planet in a private corner of the galaxy known only to her, but it was a point.

"Thank you, Kinomoto-san!" Then she actually lunged toward me, and only by the grace of some higher power and a large glass of spiked strawberry punch did she miss, tripping and landing at my feet.

What was I supposed to do? Leave her there in a heap, or help her up?

I helped her up and, the second she was steady, dropped her hand like it was toxic.

"Thank you," she said again, giggling as she rubbed her... part she fell on.

"You are so cute, Tsubomi-chan," Akino said, stumbling up next to us, half-empty beer bottle in his hand. I wanted one of those. Not half-empty, though. "Isn't she cute, Kinomoto?"

I shrugged and made my way over to the drink table to grab a bottle of Asahi from the depleted selection. If this was all the bar had provided for our group, it was going to be a long night. I took a second one just in case. I could always pretend it was for someone else. Most likely everyone was going to be smashed eventually anyway and not even notice.

I was torn. Join the getting smashed so I could deal, or drink just enough to dull the pain but not enough to make an ass of myself in the process?

The latter was probably the wiser choice.

"I've got something for you, too," came her annoying, chirpy voice from behind me. "Isn't that funny? We drew each other."

"Hilarious," I answered, stone-faced.

"Please accept my gift and wishes for a Merry Christmas." She held the package out and bowed her head.

For a second, I was ashamed of myself for being so irritated by her. She'd made me a chocolate cake, round and decorated with a white and green Christmas tree on top. The not-quite-perfect lines of icing proved it was homemade and not store-bought.

It was a thoughtful gift. Probably not edible, but thoughtful.

"Thanks," I said.

"Wow, Tsubomi-chan, you cook, too?" Akino slurred. "Cute and cooks. Your boyfriend is very lucky." He might as well have tacked on a wistful "Love me!" to that.

She chewed her bottom lip in a way some men might find vulnerable and adorable, if they liked twelve-year-olds. "If I ever find him, he will be. I'll make sure of it."

Geez, this wasn't going to be one of those kinds of parties, was it? Where everyone drank until melancholy confessions poured out of them.

No, it was worse.

It was karaoke time.

Izui led off with "Satisfaction", and I was grateful for that second bottle of Asahi. I would be even more grateful for a third.

After thoroughly embarrassing himself to generous applause, he found me at the table. "Gonna sing for us?" He didn't sound as drunk as Akino, but he was getting there.

"I don't sing," I said.

"Come on, Kinomoto. Don't be a stick in the... stick in the...."

"Mud?"

He threw his head back and laughed. "Mud. That's funny."

"Okay."

More "singing". More pain. More beer.

Then.

"Tsubomi-chan! Tsubomi-chan!"

I missed the announcement that we were supposed to be chanting, and looked up from my watch to see Yoshimura practically being dragged up to the microphone by a couple of other women I didn't know. They were from Client Support or something. She was blushing and shaking her head, but otherwise not protesting very much.

Yoshimura put a trembling hand to the microphone, and when the music started, she missed her intro. And giggled. Of course.

".....Can barely stand on my feet," she mumbled. Yeah, no kidding. When everybody cheered, she grinned and sang louder, doing that random pointing thing after each line. I think it was directed at me once, but I was checking my watch again, wondering if I'd stayed long enough that leaving wouldn't be rude.

"Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief"

Except more garbled and giggly.

"Lord somebody...
Ooh somebody..."

Somebody make it stop.

"Can anybody find me...." Another giggle. And then the last line came out, "Sabubi tu raaaaa."

Completely wasted.

I mentally made a list: Songs I Can Never Listen to Again.

She did have a lot of water in her brain. I'd give her that.

Kaho said go to the party, have fun, get to know these people outside of meetings and reports.

These were not things I ever needed to know about these people if I was going to be able to take them seriously in the workplace again. If this was a preview of next month's overnight retreat, well, beer wasn't going to be enough to get me through that.

At least tonight, I could go home.

Say you're a complete airhead, and I'm unfortunate enough to draw your name in the office gift exchange.

What am I supposed to get you?

If she hadn't looked and felt miserable, I might have thought Kaho was just putting on being sick. Not that she would; not that anyone would. But it seemed like one of her little lessons. I'd complained about being left out of things when it came to Mayu. With Kaho sick, who was left to look after the baby? Me. All weekend, it was all me. Me doing everything. Me responsible for feeding Mayu and bathing her and taking her for walks and getting her to sleep and waking up with her when she started crying in the middle of the night for no reason I could ascertain, unless it was that she missed her mama. Couldn't blame her there. I missed Kaho, too. She barely got out of bed those two days. She thought if she just got enough sleep, whatever she had would give up and get out.

I worried about her, sure, especially as my attempts to play doctor were rejected. If I told her to eat or anything, she'd grumble that she was perfectly capable of determining when she was hungry and what she wanted to eat. If I made her soup or even ice cream, she'd turn her head away with a moan. Fine. She knows best. Kaho always knows best.

She did apologize later.

But I'd figured if all she wanted to do was sleep, and my being around was just driving her nuts, then I'd take Mayu out for the day.

We spent Saturday afternoon walking through town, and.... Okay, I don't have the typical dating experience a normal twenty-five-year-old would have. My relationships (all both of them) developed out of deep friendships, not out of thinking some girl at school was cute and would she go to a movie with me and maybe engage in that awkward teenage mating ritual. I bypassed most of the crap that way. Even so, I think I can tell when someone's flirting with me.

My daughter was right there, in the stroller, and people somehow thought I was available to flirt with. In fact, they used it. It started with Mayu. A woman would say, "What an adorable baby you have," and I'd say, "Yeah, she is, thanks." I guess I should have added, "If you think she's pretty, you should see her mother." But I didn't, so these women would try to start conversations with me. Using my daughter to get to me. I guess Izui was right. Without a ring, women are going to see me as fair game. Hell, maybe even with a ring, since my having a child isn't enough of a "Closed" sign.

It made me wonder if this happens to Kaho. Do men come up to her when she's out with Mayu and try to pick her up? I'm sure they do when she's out by herself. I've never thought about it, and now I kind of wish I hadn't. I don't want to think about other guys charming her and laughing at her jokes and getting to see her smile. Bastards. And without a ring, they'll keep doing it, won't they?

But she won't accept a ring, because she's still working out whatever her reasons for not marrying me are, and if I were to bring it up, well, forget it.

I've changed tactics by not mentioning it at all since that dinner party. Reverse psychology? Maybe. I don't know. I don't want this to be some kind of game, something one of us has to win. She said that when she decided to move here--that I "won". Yeah, I won. I get to be with her and Mayu every day instead of trying to find the time and money to get to England now and then, and missing them in the meantime. But I don't want her to feel like she loses something any time I get what I want. We're supposed to want the same thing so we both win.

Mayu and I still passed by the jewelry shop, though. I held her so we could look in the window together. "What should we get mama for Christmas?" I asked her. "The rings are pretty. See the rings?" I'd swear Mayu twisted away just so she wouldn't have to look at the rings, like she was making a protest on her mother's behalf. The women in my life have banded together. It's a conspiracy. "Look at the diamonds. Girls like diamonds, don't they, Mayu?" A big, stupid cliche, but I'm a big, stupid guy, so I believe it. A diamond turned my sister's head and removed all rational thought from it in the process, so there's truth there, like in any cliche.

"So, not a ring," I said to Mayu. "Got it." Now she seemed interested in looking again. "Do you like the necklaces? Look at that one. The pendant's a diamond, but it's not a ring, so mama won't get mad. What about a necklace, Mayu?"

We continued our shopping, and I found that the attempts at flirting stopped once I was armed with not only a baby stroller, but packages from the jewelry and lingerie stores.

She cracked an egg in the skillet and grimaced as it slid out of the shell. "That's wretched," she moaned, rinsing the pan in the sink. "Must have got a dodgy one." But the second egg received a similar reaction, and after the third, Kaho dumped everything in the sink and clutched the counter, white-knuckled. "Can't you smell that? It's horrible."

"It just smells like eggs," I answered.

Her head was bowed, and she shook it slightly. "Don't even say that word."

"What, eggs?"

"Don't."

She looked pale. I couldn't remember ever seeing her sick before, but this was probably what it looked like. She'd made eggs for me other mornings, and it never bothered her like this. "Are you okay?"

A long, deep breath before she finally raised her head, like it took all her strength just to do that much. "No. Can you get your own breakfast?"

"Sure." Except she'd dumped all the eggs down the sink. I could always grab an energy bar to eat on the train. She'd lecture me about not eating properly, but that wasn't the issue here. "Kaho...."

"Just a bug," she said quietly, like I wasn't even there. "Something I caught when subbing last week. Classroom full of children, passing it around. Yes, surely that's it."

"Are you hot?" I put a hand to her forehead, but she pushed it away.

"Don't touch me."

"Sorry." That brief second wasn't enough to tell if she was running a fever.

Kaho crossed her arms over her stomach and gave me a wan smile. "Sorry," she echoed. "Just don't touch me right now, please." Then she shivered like I'd made her skin crawl. That was flattering.

"What can I do?"

"Go to work."

"What about Mayu? If you're coming down with something, we don't want her getting it."

"It's only an upset stomach. Nothing to worry about."

***

I came home this evening to find Tomonori-san holding Mayu. "I picked her up from daycare and looked after her while Kaho rested," he told me. "Dinner's in the refrigerator and just needs heating. Mayu-chan has already eaten." Mayu babbled happily in confirmation.

"What about Kaho?"

A concerned frown creased his face. "I tried, but she's not hungry. All she wants is juice and aspirin. Not exactly a balanced meal."

This was worse than an upset stomach. No appetite, headaches, and sleeping all day. "Did she see the doctor?"

"Not yet. It could be the flu. It's that time of year, you know."

"Yeah." Some people were already coming into work wearing masks, not willing to lose a day's progress because of a cough or sniffle. Maybe I was the one who'd carried something home. Maybe Mayu already had it and we didn't know it yet.

When I went in to see Kaho, the bedroom was dark, and the layers of sheets and blankets were pulled up to her nose. Two half-empty glasses, one of water and one of orange juice, sat on the nightstand next to an uneaten bowl of soup and a bottle of aspirin tablets. Her eyes were closed, and if she was asleep, I wouldn't want to wake her. Still, I laid a hand as gently as I could against her forehead. No fever.

She shifted in her sleep, and what should have been a peaceful expression was one of discomfort. I wanted to do something, kiss her or hold her or do something to take on her misery myself, but she'd probably push me away again. Or else I really would catch it, and both of us couldn't be sick at the same time. Someone had to look after Mayu.

"Can you take her to daycare in the morning?" I asked Tomonori-san. Kaho might be feeling better by then, but we needed a contingency plan just in case. The daycare center didn't open until seven, so I couldn't take Mayu on my way to the train station.

"I can, but Iwaya-san said she'll be closing the center at noon tomorrow. Something about a family obligation. I have meetings and won't be able to pick her up until at least three. I can try to move things around, but I can't guarantee anything."

"Right. Okay. I guess we'll come up with something." I took Mayu from him, and she rubbed her face against my coat. I still had my coat on. "Thank you for helping us out today."

After careful consideration, I decided to spend the night on the spare futon in Mayu's room. I was sure if I tried to get in bed with Kaho, she'd tell me to get the hell away from her, or call me an idiot for subjecting myself to possible infection. Maybe both. I'd end up on the futon in either event, so why not cut out the middle man. Or woman. Whichever of us was the middle one.

Of course, if she was feeling better in the morning, she'd still call me an idiot. But at least she'd do it with a grin.

I hoped.

The new person in our section is somebody's niece or something. And it shows. She's a ditz and a klutz and probably several other things that end with a tz sound.

Every time she passes my desk, she drops something, or knocks something to the ground, or trips over her own feet. Then she apologizes and giggles like she's in kindergarten and not a professional working environment where, excuse me, but we're trying to get things done. These reports won't analyze themselves, you know.

She bumped into me three times today, once on the way to our section meeting, once on the way back, and once by the coffee machine. Of course it was by the coffee machine. Because how else would she spill coffee on me? How efficient to do it RIGHT THERE where she could refill her mug after apologizing and giggling. At least I can give her that. If she'd waited until she passed my desk to spill it on me, she would have had to walk all the way back to the break room for a refill. And that's just time wasted.

I am never, ever, not ever going to get coffee while she is anywhere in the building. Next time she might not spill it on my shoes. Next time it might land somewhere more delicate and cause irreparable damage. Mayu might want a sibling some day.

What is up with all the nepotism lately? Doesn't anyone actually earn anything on merit anymore? Doesn't anyone have to work hard and prove themselves? Everybody's just getting things handed to them left and right. I went on a dozen interviews before getting this job, which makes me a sucker, I guess. I could have just asked a relative or a relative-to-be like everyone else does. It's obviously not what you know.

She just seems to be everywhere, too, wanting to chat. Sit down. Sit down and do your work and leave the rest of us in peace.

I can only hope that this is temporary. If she's a complete failure and distraction, maybe they'll move her to the reception desk.

No, that's no good. No one would ever get their calls or messages, and important visitors would end up in the commissary.

There are some things that men not only don't get, but never think of.

Is it a woman thing? Is it a mother thing?

I take pictures of Mayu, then frame them or give them away or whatever else you do with pictures. Kaho puts them into an album. Not just an album--a baby book. She notes when a picture was taken, what we were doing, what Mayu's mood was... like a scrapbook. They actually make books just for this very purpose, with ruled pages and everything so the moment can be recorded and preserved.

I understand that part.

But then there's the other book.

Kaho calls it her baby journal. I catch her writing in it sometimes, and finally I asked her about it.

She closed the book and crossed her arms over it, thinking for a minute. "It's my way of sorting out how I feel about being a mother."

Fine, I don't get it. "Okay, but... what does that mean?"

"Well, today for example. I'm writing about how we're starting Mayu on solid foods, and that tonight she had rice cereal and a couple of bites of mushy banana."

That's a pretty straightforward thing, right? If there's something more complicated there, I'm not seeing it. "And you need to figure out how you feel about that?"

"Of course. It makes me think about how she's changing so fast. Breastfeeding her has been a very strong bonding experience for both of us, and eventually, we won't have that anymore. And she'll learn to feed herself, another step toward independence. As wonderful as it is to watch her grow, these are fleeting moments we'll never get back. Don't you ever think about that?"

"I guess. Not in those terms, but...."

"I think about it all the time."

Maybe it's a mother thing, or maybe I'm not as good a parent as Kaho is. I'm worried about providing for Mayu, and protecting her, and making sure she's happy. But that's where my thinking kind of stops. If we're all safe, then I've done my job, right?

She opened her book again and flipped back a few pages. "One of the email newsletters I get has suggestions for writing in a baby journal. This week was to write about how we express our love for our child, such as playing and cuddling and praising her for doing something new."

See, that's something I just do. I don't think about it. I'll hold Mayu or read her a story or try to make her laugh during bathtime, but I don't put it in some greater parenting context, much less write pages and pages about it.

"Can I... can I read it?" If I know exactly what she writes, I can do better at being a dad. If these are things I should be doing and thinking about, then I need to know that. I don't have any intuition, other than going out and earning a living for my family, and even that's not so much intuition as common sense, and learning from my dad's example.

I wonder if my mother kept a journal when I was little. Or when Sakura was little.

"It's something just between me and Mayu," she answered. "It's not only about sorting out my own feelings, but for telling her the things she's unable to understand right now. I'll want to give this to her when she has a baby."

"She's not having a baby."

"Well, no, not now."

"Not ever. I'm not letting some scumbag get close enough to her."

"You know, Touya, she may not want that, either. Maybe she'll be a lesbian. Would that make you happy?"

"Yeah, it would."

"All right. Now you have something to look forward to." She sighed and gave me one of those knowing looks I find so aggravating. "The point is that no matter who she grows up to be, we'll always love her. I want her to know that."

"I do, too. Maybe I'll start my own journal."

"I think you should."

"I mean, writing about my feelings and stuff.... That's not feminine or anything."

"Of course not."

I don't know if I meant it and really planned to do it, but I'm sick of being left out all the time. I wasn't with Kaho for most of the pregnancy, and I didn't have dreams about Mayu like she did, and I couldn't get in on the whole bonding-through-breastfeeding thing (though not for lack of trying). Now I miss everything because I'm at work all day, sitting in a cube and flipping through data reports until I want to poke my eyes out to break up the monotony. And here's Kaho writing a book to give our daughter that I'm not allowed to be part of. Again.

So, yeah, maybe I'll write one, too, just so I'm not left out again.

When I got home today, Kaho had a present for me. She handed me a bag from that toy shop, and watched almost a little too excitedly as I opened it.

It's a fuzzy pink Hello Kitty diary.

I don't know why she thinks that's funny.

Work is.... I don't know. It's work. I don't talk about it much, because I know it would bore everyone. It even bores me.

Yeah, this is what I dreamed of doing all those years. All that time I spent busting my ass to get my master's was so I could sit in a cube and look at reports all day. Analyst work is a thrill a minute, comparing data from this week with last week, or reading up on industry standards. Who wouldn't want to do that? Kids don't dream of being football players, or pop idols, or zookeepers. They want the day-to-day drudgery of the office environment, with the romantic atmosphere of humming fluorescent lights and wall-to-wall... walls. Famous sitcoms and movies are set in offices, because it's just that glamorous. The characters suffer quietly with their drab, meaningless existences, the long stretches of awkward silence, and that's considered quality entertainment. I guess.

I don't complain. I mean, there's no point. It pays well, or at least it will eventually. It's enough to support a family of three. We aren't extravagant. We have everything we need, and enough left over for toys or nights out.

Sometimes I think it's about maintaining balance, like Kaho says. The universe is always seeking balance, she says. So I take that to mean, if you have a fulfilling home life, then your professional life must be shit. Or vice versa. You can't be completely happy in all places at all times. Something has to suck. Otherwise, you're hogging more than your fair share of Good. Apparently there's only so much to go around.

It's not even that work is bad. I kinda think that would be better, because I'd have a reason for feeling dissatisfied, instead of this middling whateverness. And this isn't even supposed to happen for another thirty years. I've only been there a few months, and already I'm wondering if this is it.

My section is fine, for the most part. Izui talks about all of us going on a company-sponsored retreat in a few weeks, mandatory of course, and while I don't want to be away from home, these aren't the worst people to spend a weekend with. From the stories I've heard, most of the time is spent drinking anyway. So there's that.

We're supposed to be getting someone new by the end of the month. Fukushima transferred to Research, lucky bastard, and the rest of us have been picking up the slack. I don't know which we're looking forward to more--getting this excess work off our desks, or having a new face to make things interesting for about five minutes, until he fades into the off-white partitions and becomes another part of the uninspiring decor.

There were no openings in Research when I applied, and now I have to wait behind everyone with seniority.

Paying my dues, I know. I shouldn't think I'm somehow special and shouldn't have to go through what everyone else has to. It's all part of the fun.

backdated to October 15, to follow this entry


"There are issues," she says. Yeah, I know. Because you tell me that all the time.

I tried. I should've tried harder, or sooner, or something, but I didn't know what to do.

I wanted it to work with Yukito. Of course I did. I loved him, gave up my power and my mother for him. Six years I devoted to him. I won't lie and say it was easy, because relationships aren't easy even when there are only two of you. Add in a third person? One who doesn't bother you much or talk to you much but is always there and listening? I don't know if anyone could handle that. The two of them were like a members-only club, and I had to accept that I was never going to know everything about them and what they talked about when I couldn't hear. But I tried not to let it get to me. I tried to understand that this wasn't a typical relationship, and that was good, because it meant we were special, and that, hell, I was special enough to make it work.

It all started last year when he hid from me first. The stress I was under, worrying about him and school and working and paying the damn bills to keep the apartment up, the roof over our heads and the food in our mouths. And then he came out of it and everything was supposed to be back to normal. How the hell was everything supposed to be back to normal like this whole magic-coma never happened? Why didn't he talk to me about it? He didn't trust me, that's why. One of them didn't, I don't even know which one. Both of them. They shut me out of something important and I was just supposed to be okay with that.

Yeah.

So I pushed back, in my way. I worked like crazy, I started confiding in Kaho when she started confiding in me. If he didn't trust me, why should I trust him? I couldn't trust him.

I can't say why it happened, why we stopped trusting each other, or if this really was even the first sign of it. I'd started feeling restless and frustrated but I hung on, out of love or obligation or some screwed up combination of the two. It just wasn't enough anymore. People want more explanation than that, but there aren't words that could ever adequately describe what it's like to slowly fall out of love with someone. It just happened. When or where or why... I don't know. I can't pinpoint it and say, "Yep, that was the day. You left the cap off the toothpaste, and I just couldn't take it anymore." I don't know if it's even about falling out of love. It's more like... here's someone who is absolutely the right person for you at a very important time in your life. But maybe they aren't meant to be the right person for you forever.

Relationships are made up of millions of tiny events and moments. The good ones are supposed to outweigh the bad ones, or at least help you endure them. For us, for some reason, the good ones just stopped being good enough.

Sometimes I think it was a test--all of it, the sleeping with Kaho, the hiding in my office. Maybe I had to test our relationship, see how far we could be pulled before we snapped. That I would even do that meant I'd stopped being invested, and that he'd let me do it meant he had too. Neither of us would admit it. It took something major like me betraying him and risking everything to bring it to the surface.

I know that's why we had problems. We stopped talking to each other about anything important. He hid from me with Yue, and I hid from him with Kaho. And the worst part was we let it happen that way. We didn't challenge each other on any of it. One fight and that was it, and that was only because he found out Kaho was pregnant. Then he moved out, and I didn't know where he went, so I figured it was over. I thought I was free to go to Kaho, so I did.

I did risk everything in doing that, and I didn't even realize it. I thought it was just about us, the three of us if you include Kaho, or four of us if you include Yue. However the hell many of us there were. But I risked my family too. So stupid and selfish of me to not even think about them in it. God, they were so disappointed, and they had every right to be.

Family has an amazing ability to forgive. It doesn't come quickly or cheaply or without honest remorse, but I think my family was able to look at me and know that even if they couldn't understand why I did it, I was still my father's son, my sister's brother, and ultimately they just wanted me to be happy.

I think I learned a lot about my dad through all this, and what it was like for him to go after a relationship that not many people would approve of, all in the name of happiness. And what it's like to be a father. I'm never going to be as good a father as he is, but at least I have the best possible role model. I need to find more time to spend with him and tell him that.

And Sakura. Seeing how hurt she was really, really made me feel like the lowest, most despicable piece of slime you can imagine. Somehow that was the worst of it, having to show her that I was just a regular human being capable of making mistakes and causing pain. I never wanted her to know that about me. Now I don't have a leg to stand on as I'm forced to watch her make her own mistakes, like getting ENGAGED to the most obnoxious, arrogant little punk I have ever had the misfortune to meet. He is NOT good enough for her, and I wish she would wake up and realize it before it's too late.

So, yeah, there are issues. Kaho wants me to deal with them, and I have. I am. I probably always will.

She wants me to understand why Yukito and I failed? I know why we failed. I've told her that. She made me promise to do better, and dammit, I'm trying to. She wants me to be honest and trust her with my feelings, so fine, that's what I do. She says we need to support each other. Well, don't we? Yeah, I'm not thrilled with her going back to work, not while Mayu's still so young and needs her mother, but it's only part-time, and I know I can't tell Kaho what to do anyway. If she thinks she needs to work, I'll support her. I will.

I know what she thinks. She thinks I haven't dealt with it because I never got to talk to Yukito about it. I wanted to, but he didn't. I guess I have to respect that. I sent him a key to the storage locker with the things he'd left behind, some books and a sweater and stuff, and that's all I can really do. Talking might give us both some closure or understanding, but I have to face the fact that I'm probably not going to get it, and maybe I don't deserve it, so better to make my own closure and move on with my new life.

I did. It's behind me, and I don't know if she truly believes me. I'm committed to us. Our family is my life.

It's up to her to face her own issues. Oh, man, she has them, even if she pretends not to, like she's got the whole world all figured out. She's always been kind of a hypocrite that way.

It's because she's scared, though. And it scares her that I know that about her. I'm the one person she can't hide from, just like she's the one person I can't hide from.

That's why our relationship works.

I have decided to leave TD. Thanks to those who've RP-ed with me in the past. Mod, I will email you the account password shortly.

( [letter mailed to Yukito] )

My workplace is not like most Japanese workplaces, which made sense, since it is a branch of a foreign corporation. This carried many tangible benefits, at the top of which were less crowded workspaces, permitting individual cubicles rather than the typical amalgamation of many desks, and free coffee, which my former college friends envied more than my cubicle, as the amount they spent purchasing their caffeine everyday quickly adds up to a pretty sum. When you factor in that a regular four-year college graduate earns just 200,000 to 240,000 yen a month as a starting salary man, I would say that I was quite fortunate to have this job.

During lunch break today, my colleague and neighbor, Izui Niyu, talked about how native employees who possessed certified English language skills were more likely to be selected for promotion and more rewarding job assignments, like foreign liaisons or overseas posts. I knew about the national English language assessment tests, for which those who wanted to become English teachers—or simply add to their credentials when job hunting—studied their asses off. It never occurred to me that I should try out for the exam and get certified… but if I already had better than average English to begin with and lived with an English resident to boot, it would seem wasteful not to take advantage of the chance to help one’s career.

“This the wife and girl?” He picked up the photo of Kaho with Mayu in the hospital, which I’ve finally decided to frame and place at my desk, in addition to the other photos of dad, Sakura, and pictures taken during the trip to London.

“Yup, she’s just past two months old.” As usual, I didn’t correct or reinforce the assumptions people made; it was convenient for the time being, though I imagine the amount of explaining I’ll have to do when it came time to send out wedding invitations would make it not worthwhile in the end.

“Darling. Well I guess that settles it then… you probably don’t know about it, but up until now the ladies have had a fun time speculating whether you were still on the market or not.” Niyu replaced the photo and grinned as he pointed at my left hand. “You could have spared them much hoping-in-vain if only you wore your ring to work.”

I laughed dryly in response; it’d be easy to rectify that, to purchase any ring and wear it to complete the image, but there was a limit to any form of make-pretend, and to wear a fake wedding band… well, that was just too pathetic and sad.

I went home that day trying to remember where my old English study guides were stored, and what kind of face Kaho would make when I tried to join in her language lessons with Mayu.

( email to Yukito )

Dropping off the baby at the shrine took place without incident, as Mayu seemed less worried than her mother did. Afterwards, we boarded a somewhat crowded bus a little before five o’clock and headed for the resort that was around fifteen minutes away; walking had been an option, but that would have defeated the purpose of a relaxing outing. The streets in the business district were already beginning to fill with people at this early hour, as lights began to flicker on and families used the weekend to take a break from cooking their own meals, like we were doing.

After we got off the bus and started towards our destination, we passed by several promising looking restaurants which I pointed out to Kaho. The gastronome in her was certainly enthusiastic, but she also mentioned that if she were to land that teaching job, opportunities for us to go out like this would become even rarer.

“Then we’ll just have to learn to make time for ourselves… otherwise I’ll be forced to come find you at school and have our dates there instead.” And going against traditional cultural propriety, which frowned upon even handholding as public display of affection, I pecked her on the cheek.

Since the resort provided everything, including bath towels and other utilities, I didn’t bring much aside from my wallet, though the thought of packing an overnight bag had crossed my mind. We’d agreed however that it was probably too early to leave Mayu alone for an entire night, even in the able hands of grandpa, so the plan had been to finish before eleven and return to the shrine to pick her up.

Until then we were on our own, and the precious hours to be spent as we pleased.

With briefcase under arm and groceries in both hands, it took a little maneuvering to get the key in the hole. “Tadaiima…”

“Welcome home, you’re quite early today.”

“Friday night, everyone wanted to go home, even the chief.” Gosh it felt good to finally take off that jacket. Following the sound of food sizzling, I entered the kitchen and deposited my bags on the dining table. “Smells promising, need any help?”

“Almost finished. Did you pick up what I asked for?”

“Mhmmm. Mirin, garlic, dried bonito, eggs… oh and fruit jellies were on sale today so I picked up a couple; I got mandarin orange and peach.”

“Lovely, maybe for dessert.”

After putting the purchases away, I poured myself some homemade barley tea, dropped a few cubes of ice into the glass and settled myself against the kitchen counter, next to where Kaho was cooking. It couldn’t have been comfortable cooking in this kind of weather, but watching her as she reached up to wipe her brow with the back of her hand, her sleeves rolled up, her hair tied back loosely, and that flower-patterned apron from the department store around her waist… I downed my tea in one go and found myself more thirsty and bothered than before.

“So… got any plans this weekend?”